Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
