Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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