Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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