Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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