Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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