I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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