So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
