my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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