I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
