I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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