Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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