I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
