just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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