i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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