I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
