I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
