Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
