im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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