You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
