It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
