Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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