My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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