Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
