when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
