Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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