i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
