yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
