Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
