Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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