also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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