I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize