two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
