and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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