We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize