You just made me feel so damn special
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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