I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
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