You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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