Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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