Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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