Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
