Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
