Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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