Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
