THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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