Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
