You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
