why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
