sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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