Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
