someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That accounts for only three of the penises
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
