My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
