you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Oh god it's open bar.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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