I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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