u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
