i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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