shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
